Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
