When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just high enough for therapy.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
