Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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