i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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