Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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