You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
