Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
