things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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