I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
