god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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