Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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