i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
