i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
