The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
