I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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