I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
