Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
