We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
