So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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