No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
