also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
