you guys were way drunker than both of me
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
