I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
