I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
