I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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