It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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