What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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