history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
