Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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