11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
