time to smoke my breakfast
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
