When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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