You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
