Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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