I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
