I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize