Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
