i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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