the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If I die, sorry about rent.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
