I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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