Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
