I think I died a long time ago.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
