i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
