Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
