babies were throwing up all over the place
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
