there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
