oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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