you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
