To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
