Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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