I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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