so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
