so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
