My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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