I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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