Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
