She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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