Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
