What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
